Why bother?
by Be-Sarcasm
Summary: After being outed at my Christian private school, public school was the only way to go. At least I can wear my bowties...
1. Chapter 1

Why bother?

I always knew, you know? That I was different. I would have dreams of being with a boy, we would be dating, or married. One in particular, I was with a blondish brown haired boy, we were on our way to a concert, on a date. He had the cutest smile and I remember thinking, "wow, I am the luckiest guy alive". It couldn't last, happiness never did. I woke with a start because I couldn't be gay, I wouldn't be gay. The dreams went away after a while and I thanked god that he took them away. My family would kill me if I was gay and I didn't want to go to hell. I was only 9 years old but I knew that being gay wasn't something I should be.

Sometimes I would see a cute guy in the hallway at school, or at church (try explaining that one to yourself). For a minute, I'd let myself imagine what it would be like to just go with it and enjoy my life and date a guy. I would always throw those thoughts out of my head because I was not gay.

I listened to the services every Sunday and most Wednesdays. I would sit with my family at the same spot every week. I would listen to the pastor as he talked about how being gay was a choice, and we should choose not to be. I prayed at the end of each service, with everyone else, at the alter. I thought I was happy, and I guess I was.

I never hated the idea of dating a girl at the time. It wasn't as good as dating a guy, but I was willing to make that sacrifice for my religion, for God. I convinced myself to think about girls. When I would see one, I tried to make myself develop a crush. It never really worked that well.

After a while, I just accepted the fact that I would always be alone. No one was going to truly love me, and I didn't want to date a girl, so I had to be alone. I never told anyone how depressed it actually made me.

At the age of thirteen, I had forgotten most of my worries about being gay. I had other things to worry about and it wouldn't matter anyway, no one would ever date me.

A week later I did something that I wish I had never done. I was figuring out how to use a pocket knife when it fell and sliced my hand open. It was really painful, but at the same time, I kind of liked it. I hade heard of people cutting themselves when they were sad. I decided that since I was sad, and no one was going to notice anyway, I would give it a go. I made two more cuts. It hurt a lot and I carefully put the knife back on my desk as I cleaned my wound. Neosporin and a band aid was all I needed. A few people asked about it but I told them the knife fell.

I had a great thirteenth birthday, made only better by the fact that a girl a church actually liked me. Me! I was so ecstatic. I would have dated any girl at that point. I was just happy that I wasn't alone.

Just two weeks after that, it all went downhill. I told you that happiness never lasted, I've never been wrong about that. One of my friends from church camp came over to stay at my house for a week. I thought it would be pretty fun. He was cool and very religious so I figured that he could keep me on the right path.

That was one of the worst weeks of my life.

I was always insecure about the way I looked. My hair was super curly and I had glasses. Every time I saw a mirror, it was like a punch in the face. It didn't help that my friend was gorgeous. He had cool straight hair and didn't need glasses. He had muscles and I couldn't help but envy him a little. Except that I didn't really envy him. I liked him. I had the biggest crush on him.

It was the day after he had shown up when I found myself in the bathroom. I only had my boxers on and I was twisting the knife around in my hand, just thinking about it. I weighed the pros and cons before deciding that I was going to do it. That was one of the most horrible decisions I could have made.

I made over one hundred cuts on my thighs that week. They were punishment for thinking gay thoughts.

I kissed my girlfriend that week. It was the most awkward thing in the world. We were both sitting on the couch and we had kind of planned it, which was a bad idea. After probably thirty minutes of leaning in and pulling away, we finally kissed and it was . . . okay I guess.

It wasn't spectacular or anything. It was just a kiss. I don't know what I was expecting. Fireworks? butterflies? but it was nothing but lips touching lips. I actually kissed her twice, to make sure that nothing special was going to happen. I went to bed that night thinking about how stupid it was that I was nervous. I broke up with her a month later.

Nothing remarkable happened the rest of the year. I kept cutting, gradually filling all the space on my upper thighs so I had to re-cut areas I had already cut. I thought it was pretty good for coping. It was the only thing to get the stupid thoughts out of my head. "You're going to hell, Blaine" was one of the most common thoughts swirling around in my head. I knew I needed help but I wasn't ready to stop cutting.

It was November when my parents found out. I was never going to tell them about it but I asked them to get me a therapist and they said they would, but I had to tell them why. When I said I wouldn't, they forced me to stay in their room with them until I told. I still think that was one of the scariest moments I've ever had.

They got me therapy and I quit cutting for the most part. I had the occasional relapse, but it was never big and I always stopped after.

I had been homeschooled up until then, and I knew that I would have to go back eventually. My parents sent me back part time at a Christian private school. It was fun for that year. I didn't let anyone in and I didn't have any friends but I liked being around happy people. I was able to pretend that I was fine when I heard them laughing.

His name was Mark. He was blond with tan skin and muscles, I never noticed him till my freshman year of high school. Mark wasn't the brightest guy but I found us becoming friends quickly. I always thought he was handsome but because of my depression, it never really went beyond that.

When I noticed I was falling for him, my head jerked up in the class I was in. I asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom and as soon as I got in the stall, I took the blade I kept for emergencies, and I cut. I cut so deep.

I cried and I cursed God. Most of all, I just hated myself. I tried reading the bible, praying, crying, cutting, but nothing got rid of my feelings. I tried to rid myself of them for months.

After a while, I was just to tired to care. If I went to hell, it wouldn't be any different than life now anyways. I still wouldn't let myself be gay but I just stopped worrying about it.

I tried to focus on school but it was difficult. I couldn't stop thinking about Mark. I decided that I wouldn't date a guy but I would at least accept the fact that I had feelings for guys.

That was a slippery slope and I found myself big into the LGBT community. Online of course, no one could know about this, ever.

Eventually I hit a breakthrough. Why was I bending over backwards for this God that obviously didn't give a shit about me? I think that's when I decided that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore.

Everyone at school noticed when I stopped talking about god and started telling them not to use gay slurs or treat lgbt people poorly.

It took a while but I was happyish with who I was. I told my parents the night of homecoming. I told my mom and she told my dad. I could see the disappointment and anger in his eyes as he dropped me off for homecoming. I knew I was in for it.

He yelled at me for two hours when I got back. He told me how I wasn't gay and how I was going to hell. I already knew I was going to hell and I honestly didn't care anymore. Satan could bring it, it couldn't be worse that what god had already done.

My dad didn't accept me for three months. My mom was accepting from the start. The people at school however, were not good at all.

When I told Mark that I was gay, he immediately stopped talking to me. He spread rumors all over the school about me and they made their way into the office.

Imagine getting a text from your mom saying how the office called them and said that they had a problem. When I asked the secretary, she smiled and said "no, nothings wrong honey". I heard a much different story when I got home that night. The office heard the gay rumors, and they thought it was a good idea to, instead of helping me get rid of rumors, tell me that if I didn't make the rumors go away, I would be expelled.

I was a straight A student and the best archer they had. It didn't matter though, If I was gay. I decided to leave the school when the year was up, I couldn't stay anyway. There was only one other option, public school.

McKinley high school here I come.


	2. Chapter 2

Why bother? 2

I always found it funny how much people wanted to go to private schools. They thought they were better or something but that couldn't be further than the truth. Private schools and public schools had the same kids, they were just richer, which honestly, made them worse. I hated private schools.

I am currently sitting in my car in front of my new school. McKinley high school. I was really nervous. I can practically feel my stomach doing flips and I'm positive that I never taught it gymnastics. With one last look at my phones background image that read "Courage", I was on my way into the school.

The first thing I noticed was the complete lack of interest people had in me. I barley even got a glance here and there. It was really nice to not be looked at like a freak, or like they wanted to get the dirt on me. No one cared that I was new. A lot of people were new.

Secondly, this school was huge. Probably a thousand teens in this place and I had no idea where I was going. I didn't know a soul in this place, which was kind of why I went here in the first place.

Biting back my feelings of inadequacy, I asked someone where the office was.

The guy I asked was quick to smile and give me directions on where to go. I was surprised that he didn't just scoff and leave me to find it myself to be honest. He asked me if I thought I could find it okay or if I wanted him to come with me. I decided that I had wasted enough of his time so I told him that I would be fine.

Thanking him again, I slowly made my way through the many teens trying to get to their classes on time. I was so pleased to see how many different kinds of people this place had. It was so odd here. I haven't received a single glare yet.

I followed the directions to the office with ease because that guy did actually give good directions.

The office was bigger than my last schools, but it was also older. I saw two desks. One with an older lady that was obviously the school receptionist and the other had a teenage girl behind it. I assume she was a student aid by the look of it.

"Hello. I'm a new student. My name is Blaine Anderson?" I made the whole thing seem like a question. I had no idea what I was really doing so I was happy when the student aid quickly riffled through a few folders and found my schedule for me. "Here ya go" She said with a smile. I still wasn't used to people looking at me without disgust. Then again, no one here knew I was gay, so that could change.

I thanked them and made my way back to the now thinning hallways to find my first class, Ceramics. I didn't want to take an art but I needed an art credit and it was better that then band. I could play guitar and piano but a tuba? Nah, I wasn't interested in any instrument that I had to blow into. I would just use my voice thank you.

I quickly found the class thanks to another student who directed me there. The art classroom was pretty big and later I found out that it was even bigger on the other side where we did actual clay. This was just the pretty and clean part of the classroom.

Sitting at a table without anyone currently at it, I really hoped that I would find friends in this class. Actually, if I could find friends at all, that would be great.

All the students in the class filed into the room but avoided my table. Maybe they did know I was gay, I was wearing a bow tie and red pants.

No one sat with me and I couldn't help feeling a bit sad at that. The teacher talked about the basics and passed out a syllabus. It was always like this on the first day. I knew that I wasn't going to get any homework. That's why it was a good idea to find friends before I got super busy and couldn't focus on it.

Next was programming, and I again had to ask for directions. That was probably going to happen all day. No one seemed to mind me asking though, so at least I didn't feel hated.

Programming was a room full of over twenty computers with about four other people in it right now. I walked in and immediately saw some heads turn and look up from what they were doing. After shooting me a glance and observing my bow tie and gelled hair, they looked back down with a look of disinterest. That was good.

I took a seat at a computer near everyone else but not right next to them because they were all leaving a seat between themselves and their neighbor. It seemed only polite to follow the same rules.

No one else joined the class, except one girl with a blue jacket and messenger bag. She followed the same rule of a person every other seat and sat one seat away from me.

It was a very small class, but I was very content with that. Less people to hate me was always a good idea.

This class moved very much the same as the last. A syllabus was handed out and we talked about it. This teacher seemed very happy though, and very interested in computers and teaching this topic. I was glad to see that he was passionate about this. I loved computers and there is nothing worse than a class about computers where the teacher could barely use PowerPoint.

Still, no one talked to me but no one in that class talked to anyone. It seemed like they were all pretty socially awkward. I noticed the girl next to me writing down a list of every club the school had. She then proceeded to put a check mark next to each one she was apparently joining. When she got to the sixth club, I had to ask.

"Are you joining all those clubs?" I asked her. She jumped a little bit and after glancing up with a sparkle in her eyes, she smiled. "Yes, I am. NYADA won't accept me into their school unless I'm perfect." With another grin she looked back down at the list. "I want to join political club but the meeting conflicts with art club." She pulled out a schedule book filled with at least two activities on it a day right after school. "Whoa" I gasped. She had all her clubs and school stuff planned down to the minute.

"Go on and tell me how crazy I am. I'm used to it" She sighed, clearly waiting for me to lecture her. "Why would I do that? I think it's incredible how many things you do. Doesn't it affect your grades?" I asked. I was honestly curious. Was it even possible to do all that and still have time to do homework and study?

"No. It's a little difficult but I manage to keep up a 4.0." She sounded so casual about it. It's almost like she thought everyone got a 4.0. Man! This girl was incredible. "Wow, you are amazing!" I exclaimed. She blushed and said a quick thanks and continued to stare at her calendar, trying to find a way to make room for politics club.

She had this one club every day, right after school, glee. "Why don't you just drop glee? That would make much more time." I suggested and immediately saw the horrified look on her face. "NEVER! Glee club is my life!" She almost screamed, making everyone in the room turn their heads a bit before going back to their own work.

"Okay, Okay, calm down. I didn't know. I would actually like to join glee club." I replied and her eyes widened. "Oh my god yes! Please join" I chuckled at how excited she was for me to join.

"I will. You have to tell me how though because I have no clue." I decided that I was going to join. After all, I loved music. My old school didn't have a glee club and if they did, they probably would have sung gospel music anyways.

"Absolutely! Give me your schedule." She demanded. I dug through my bag and handed her the paper with my classes listed on it. "By the way" I said, shocked that I had forgot, "what's your name?" She waited a while before answering, because she was currently staring at the paper I gave her. "Oh, yeah. I'm Rachel, and according this paper your name in Blaine." Rachel looked back up at me for confirmation. "Yep, that's me."

For the first time since we had been talking, she looked me, really looked. Before she had just glanced up everyone once and a while when I said something. Her eyes widened as she took in everything about me. She took in my gelled hair, then my bow tie, and eventually my red pants with yellow sunglasses attached. I felt like I was being judged on every detail she could see.

I squirmed a bit in my seat and felt a bit of relief when she looked back up to my eyes with no judgment, only curiosity. "I think you'll fit in well at glee club." She stated, very confident in her knowledge.

The bell rang and she got up to leave with a quick "See ya at the end of the day"

What did she mean when she said I'd fit in well? I know that glee club is somehow considered "gay" when a guy joins but I never told her that I was gay. Maybe she knew by my clothes. At least Rachel didn't seem homophobic so there's that.

I didn't want to be late so I headed to my next class, Biology.


	3. Chapter 3

Why bother? 3

The rest of the day went pretty much in the same manor. Find class, syllabus, and repeat. I met a few other nice people so that's good. None of them had my lunch so I would probably be sitting alone but I'm used to it.

Lunch rolled around and just like I suspected, I had to sit alone. I tried to make it look like I was busy so no one would think I was a loner but I could still feel the stares on me. When I couldn't handle it anymore I stood up, mindful to keep a neutral look on my face, and went to the bathroom.

I found the bathroom with ease, lucky that I had spotted it earlier that day, and walked slowly into the biggest stall. I locked the door behind me. I was so used to the routine that I didn't even tear up at the idea of what I was about to do. I had never really stopped cutting, I just hadn't needed it in a while. I wouldn't say I was addicted.

I rolled up my shirt until I saw the duct tape where I kept my razor. I always kept my razor taped to me because if I lost my bag, I would be in trouble. I peeled the edge off until I saw the thin piece of metal wrapped in tissue. Pulling the metal out, I finally allowed myself to smile. I was going to be okay.

Since I had known that this was a possibility today, I wore my dark red pants. If I bled through, I could pass it off as water. I pulled down my pants and sat on the toilet after putting the top down. This was it.

Checking to make sure that the blade was clean, no one needed an infection, I Held the blade to my thigh. This spot hadn't been cut in a while, I had been better for a few months. Sighing, I made the first cut.

I hissed slightly as I sharply sliced into my thigh but soon I was filled with relief. The cut was deep. It was white at first but slowly filled with blood. When it could no longer hold all the blood, it seeped over and dripped down my thigh. I never let the blood reach the floor, I made sure to stop it with a napkin and wait for my cut to stop bleeding.

I leaned my head back against the wall, contented. I could handle this, if I had my blade. People always disappointed you, but my blade would never disappoint me.

I heard the warning bell, signaling the end of lunch, and I quickly bandaged my wound. It wasn't done bleeding but that was fine. I poured a small amount of my hand sanitizer on it and felt the tears well up in my eyes. I never got used to that. After the stinging stopped, I placed a clean tissue on my cut and taped it down with the duct tape I kept in my bag.

Deciding it was adequate, I put my blade back into place on my stomach, pulled my pants up and left the stall.

My eyes were a little watery, but it was no big deal. I left to bathroom and made my way towards my French class. I knew where it was because I spotted it earlier on my way to programming. That reminds me, Rachel. She said she was going to see me at the end of the day and take me to glee, but where was she going to meet me?

Well if I couldn't find her, I could always wait till programming tomorrow.

The French classroom was smaller than most with about twenty people. I looked at the board to see a seating chart clearly meant for us to follow. I found my seat at the second chair in the fifth row. I'm apparently sitting by someone named Mercedes Jones on my right and Kurt Hummel on my left.

I really hope they aren't awful people. I've had enough crap today, I just want to go home. I felt the bandage through my pants, pushing on it a little, to feel a small amount of pain.

The class filed in quickly, following the same seating chart as I had. A girl wearing cheetah print and sparkles came in, saw the chart, and made her way towards me. I guess she was Mercedes.

She didn't notice I was sitting there until after she got to her seat and sat down. Looking over, I saw her eyes get wide, probably wondering why she had to sit next to a loser, Id imagine.

Instead of frowning like most people at my old school did, she smiled. "Hey! You must be" she paused to look at the seating chart, "Blaine Anderson. I'm Mercedes." The girl held out her hand and I shook it, still confused as to why she was talking to me. "If we have to sit next to each other, we might as well be friends." Ah, she felt obligated to talk to me. I nodded in understanding.

"Man you don't talk much do ya?" She continued on. I frowned while trying to come up with something to actually say. "Sorry" I almost whispered but she heard me. I could tell by the frown on her face.

I was sick of feeling like crap so I faced the door again and waited for the teacher to come in and start class. Kurt still wasn't here but I wasn't exactly in a hurry for another person to judge me so I hoped he wouldn't show up.

About a minute or so before the bell rang, the teacher came in, talking to another boy in fluent French. From what I could tell, the boy was trying to drop this class because he was fluent enough and didn't need it.

I agreed with the boy. He was obviously fluent enough to skip French III and move on to French IV but the teacher said something about rules and made the boy go to his seat.

When the boy turned to go to his seat, after muttering something in French, I gasped. Oh my god! He was gorgeous. Perfect brown hair, porcelain skin, light blue-gray eyes, wow. Don't even get me started on his clothes! He was wearing a white button up with a black collar and black cuffs, a dark red skinny tie, and the tightest black pants. His pants were paired with black boots.

The boy continued to frown as he looked at the seating chart. When he found his name, his face brightened. Maybe he liked where his seat was or whatever. The boy turned and looked right at him. His eyes widened and then glanced at the seat next to me. I really hope this perfect boy was Kurt.

He made his way over to his seat, which apparently was next to me, and sat down. I guess this was Kurt. Mercedes grinned over at Kurt, "How are ya doing, white boy? It's been a while" Kurt looked back over, looking more at me then her, "I've been alright. Everything is as it was." Kurt grimaced. Mercedes did the same. It was like their words held different meanings then what they were actually saying. They didn't continue their conversation past that.

I tried to get up the courage to introduce myself to the god sitting next to me but as soon as I opened my mouth, the teacher started talking. Not wanting to get in trouble, I shut my mouth again. Kurt didn't notice my inner conflict. It was almost like he was trying to avoid me.

The syllabus was passed out and read in French as I continued to stare at Kurt. I really shouldn't stare, he was going to think I was a creep. I turned away to look at the syllabus.

With my luck, he probably wasn't even gay. I know he looked gay but you have no idea how many times a guy looked gay and then I saw him kiss his girlfriend. I wasn't going to assume anything. Besides, even if he was gay, he was probably taken. If he wasn't taken, he wouldn't want to date me. There were too many ways to mess it up.

The teacher droned on but I didn't hear a word he said, it's not like it mattered anyway. The teacher finished talking about ten minutes before the bell was to ring and gave us time to talk to each other. Well I should probably say hi to Kurt.

When I turned to face him and say hi, he was already out of his chair and on his way over to the teacher. I assume to try and skip this class again. He must hate me if he is trying so hard to get away from me. If he couldn't switch classes, he would diffidently try to switch seats. I sighed. It's not like you ever had a chance anyway, my mind reminded me.

Mercedes was still here however, and was now looking at me with a smirk. "You should talk to Kurt." She seemed really smug. I wouldn't doubt that she was trying to embarrass me or try and find out if I was gay so she could out me. "Why would I want to do that?" I remarked back, trying to make it sound like I was anything but gay. I don't think it worked because she shot back with "Because you like him." I looked over sharply to see her smiling.

I didn't know how to respond so I stayed quiet for the rest of the class. The bell rang and Mercedes gathered her stuff and joined Kurt at the front of the class. I assume they were walking to their next class together.

As, I began to gather my things, I noticed a scrap of paper on my desk, obviously from Mercedes. "Go for it!" she had wrote. Why did she care if I talked to Kurt anyway? Was she trying to embarrass me? I threw the paper away and went to my last class, Financial Literacy.


	4. Chapter 4

Why bother? 4

Financial literacy, a required course here, is basically all freshmen. They were probably trying to get the required credit out of the way so that they could chill out the rest of high school. Being a sophomore and a new kid, i sort of stuck out.

I thought I would stick out anyway but when I walked in, no one even looked up. I am not going to get used to this school being all laid back. My last school was so high pressure. Heads would snap up when someone new entered a room there. Everyone made sure their hair was perfect and girls worried over their make up. Not one time today, did i see a girl whip out a mirror to check or a guy comb his hair while looking at the mirror in his locker. Actually, I don't remember seeing a single locker have a mirror in it.

We didn't have a seating chart in this class so I took a seat in the back. I wanted to take a nap but I knew that my caffeine supplements wouldn't allow me to do so. I've been taking these caffeine supplements for school because I never get enough sleep due to pressure or stress. Ill get maybe an hour or two and then its time for school so Ill pop a pill and on my way I go. Sometimes I even chew caffeinated gum. I had two pieces in my pocket right now but I prefer to save them for emergencies.

People trickled in slowly, each of them looking grateful that it was the last class of the day. The bell was about due to ring when Rachel rushed in, looking like she had just run a marathon. "I made it!" She exhaled, taking the seat next to me.

"Why didn't you tell me you had this class?" I said once she sat down. "I did tell you that I would see you at the end of the day to take you to glee club." She said but the sound was a bit muffled by the sound of her rummaging through her bag. "Did you think I'd find your class to walk you? Nah but when I saw you had this class too; I figured I could take you. Otherwise I would have just given you directions. I like to be the first in glee club." She continued on after pulling out a new, by the look of it, folder and pencil. Each had the class name and period on it.

I didn't know how to respond to her rant so I just stayed quiet and waited for class to start. The teacher started class a bit late but that was fine because it meant less time having to pretend to listen. "So class," the teacher began, "I know you're all here because its required which means that most of you are freshmen which also means that most of you are stupid." He concluded lazily. My mouth dropped in shock because I had never had a teacher call their student stupid even if they were.

No one else looked shocked so I guess it was a public school thing or something. "Now that we got that out of the way. Let's begin with a test." He finished. I continued to look shocked as he passed out a double sided test. "These are all common sense people and the grade is not important unless you get less then fifty percent, then I'm calling the office because you are too stupid for this class." He passed out a paper to everyone and after seeing the questions, I calmed down.

Simple questions like 'What does a credit card do?' and 'What kind of bank account makes money for you?' filled the page. Rachel was flying through them, clearly knowing the answers. I finished a bit after her and turned them in where everyone else was placing theirs. After everyone turned in their papers, the teacher collected them and instead of passing out a syllabus, as was normal procedure, he just stated "That's all for today so you can get back to talking to whatever people you don't hate." and then took a seat at his desk.

Turning to Rachel I saw she had begun to look at her endless list of clubs again. I was sick of watching her face scrunch up in confusion as she clearly tried to figure out how it all worked, so I asked a question. "What should I expect in glee club?" I knew that I had gotten her away from her book when her eyes brightened and she actually shut it.

"Glee club is amazing! It's like the best club in school but most people don't join because we have practice every weekday but they're really missing out. We sing all different kinds of music except religious stuff cause we got in trouble for that last time. I'm the lead soloist most of the time along with my boyfriend Finn Hudson but everyone has great voices. We go to competitions every year although we only went to regionals and sectionals last year because we lost at regionals otherwise we could go to nationals. You'll have to audition but it really doesn't matter because we let everyone in." She spoke really quickly, clearly excited enough about glee for the both of them.

"But what about the people? Are they nice or..." I prompted her In the hopes of finding out what I actually wanted to know. Are they lgbt friendly? "Aw yeah. Everyone is super nice! They are all very accepting of _all_ types of people." She put emphasis on the 'all'. I think she knew what I meant.

The bell rang again, signaling the end of the day and I heard small cheers across the room. "Well lets go then." I said standing as she did the same. I was surprised by how quick she could put away her books in that messenger bag. She had about five books out but they were all swiftly tucked away. She looked at me and I could see the absolute joy in her eyes. "GLEE CLUB!" she practically squealed.

I followed her out of the classroom and into the hall, which was a bit difficult to do considering how fast she was moving. I really hope glee is all she has hyped it up to be. I could use something good in my life.

We sped down the hallway as fast as we could with all the students rushing to get out of the school. At some point, Rachel reached back and grabbed onto the strap of my bag to keep us from being separated. I was grateful for it, that's for sure.

It took about fifteen minutes but we found the classroom glee was in. Walking in, I took note of the many instruments and the seats sitting on risers at the back of the room, most of which, were already filled. They smiled at Rachel and exchanged hellos and how were your summers.

Then they saw me and I was freaking out. Were they going to hate me? They all seemed so close already. I was probably intruding. "Who are you? I don't think I know you." Said a blond in a cheerleading uniform. She had short hair and baby blue eyes. She also appeared to be looking me up and down as if trying to decide if she liked me or not. "No you probably don't know me. I'm new. My names Blaine." I said loud enough so I wouldn't have to repeat it to any of the other members who appeared interested in who I was. "Well it is more than amazing to have you Blaine. I'm Quinn" She directed me over to sit next to her and Rachel took the seat on the other side of me.

"How many people are in this club?" I asked to no one in particular. I didn't care who answered. "Fourteen if you join." Quinn responded while fluttering her eyelashes. Oh i get it! she was attempting to flirt. Well, I might as well be the one to out myself for once. This way I could just quit the club if they reacted poorly. No need to get attached to everyone only to have them find out and hate me.

Quinn had also proceeded to lay her hand on my thigh and if I was not mistaken, she was moving it upward. "Not that you're not really pretty Quinn." I stated as I removed her hand from my leg gently "But I'm gay so it wouldn't really work out." I finished, tempted to shut my eyes and wait for everyone to start hating me.

Instead of hate, her face turned up in a grin and then turned into a full blown smile. "I know. I was testing you for outness." She chuckled a bit and I saw the Latina girl next to her smirk and say "She does that to a lot of people. Don't worry about it."

I couldn't have hoped for a better reaction. No one cared at all. They had all obviously heard. The chairs were very close together, but they just nodded a bit and went back to whatever they were doing. Could this be real life?

At this time, we had about eleven people in the room. there was Rachel and me, Quinn, that Latina girl who was now talking to another blond cheerleader, an Asian boy and girl who seemed to be dating, a guy in a wheelchair, a tall jock that sat next to Rachel and kissed her so I assume that was Finn, some guy with a Mohawk talking to an overweight girl, and a guy with blonde hair who seemed gay but probably wasn't. Counting, I realized we were two short.

In walk the last two people. Its Mercedes and Kurt! So Kurt liked to sing. At least we had something in common now. Maybe I'd get to talk to him! Mercedes went over and sat next to Sam, giving him a kiss as well. Well I guess he isn't gay, maybe bi though. Kurt looked around the room and realized that the only seat left was the one right in front of me. Then he looked up and saw that I was there.

His eyes widened a bit but he didn't say anything as he took the seat in front of me. I don't think he wants to talk to me. 'don't bug him!' my brain told me but I didn't listen.

"Hi um my names Blaine. I'm in your French class." I mumbled after tapping his shoulder. He turned and looked surprised that I had even talked to him. "Yeah I remember. My names Kurt." He talked like he was stunned. I held out my hand for him to shake. I don't know why I did it. I never did that when meeting anyone else.

Kurt gingerly took my hand and shook it. "so you're in glee?" I stated even though it was literally the most stupid question in the world. Of course he was in glee. He was in the glee classroom for crying out loud. He still hadn't let go of my hand when he said "y-yeah I am." He stuttered a bit like he was nervous. Was he nervous?

He then realized that we had stopped shaking hands a while back and were just holding hands now. He pulled his hand away and seemed a bit embarrassed. We stopped our awkward conversation when the teacher came in the room. Kurt turned back to face the teacher and I missed seeing his face already. His eyes were just so incredible.

"Welcome back to glee club everybody! its good to see you!" The teacher, Mr. shue, everyone called him, was very excitable. When He scanned to room to ensure everyone was in fact here, his eyes landed on me. "Well we have a new member it seems. Its Blaine isn't it? Rachel told me about you." He held out his hand and I shook it. "Yes sir. I'm here to audition?" I questioned.

"Yes of course! Come on up Blaine." He gestured to the front of the room. Lets get this over with. I went up front and I could feel everyone eyes on me. I told the piano man what song I was going to sing. My heart raced as I heard the beginning notes start to play. It's now or never.


	5. Chapter 5

Why bother? 5

The music began. The piano notes were soft at first and slowly grew louder. I grabbed the mic on the stand with my head down. It's been a while since I had performed. To say I was nervous was an understatement. Finally the guitars started in after they detected the song. A drummer began to play, looking over, I saw it was Finn playing. My queue came and I began the first verse.

_Remember when I dove into the crowd_

_And I got a bloody knee under my skin, a mark from wiping out_

_It brings back the memories_

_Every bone's been broken_

_But my heart is still wide open_

Looking around I saw some impressed faces. Clearly they don't here enough Katy Perry. I began the chorus with as much energy as I could manage.

_I can't stop_

_Don't care if I lose_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose_

I pointed towards Kurt. 'You idiot!' My brain reprimanded.

_These wounds are self-inflicted_

_I'm going down in flames for you_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose_

_These wounds are self-inflicted_

_One more thing I'm addicted too_

I did a twist before beginning the next verse.

_With each scar there's a map that tells a story_

_What a souvenir of Young love's like jumping out_

_An airplane riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion_

_My heart rips me wide open_

I felt tears in my eyes. I should have picked a different song. The show must go on though.

_I can't stop_

_Don't care if I lose_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose_

_These wounds are self-inflicted_

_I'm going down in flames for you_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose_

_These wounds are self-inflicted_

_One more thing I'm addicted too_

I forced a smile on my face and continued.

_And I cover up these scars_

The glee club did the backup vocals

_**(We'll make it we'll make it but we break it)**_

_And I can't stop seeing stars_

_**(let's hope not die)**_

_Whenever you're around_

_Around_

_I can't stop_

_Don't care if I lose_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose_

I pointed towards Kurt again. I couldn't stop for some reason. He didn't seem offended though so I must be doing something right.

_These wounds are self-inflicted_

_I'm going down in flames for you_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose_

_These wounds are self-inflicted_

_One more thing I'm addicted too_

'Almost done Blaine bring it home'. My brain was unusually kind right now.

_I can't stop no I can't stop_

_No I can't stop_

_Oh I'm going out in flames_

_Oh I'm going down in flames_

_Oh_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose_

_Baby you are the weapon I choose..._

I finished with power and a little out of breath when I was done with the last note. The first thing I heard was applause.

"That was amazing Blaine!" I heard Quinn exclaim. I didn't see any of them though because my head was down and my eyes shut. One, I was scared that this was all a dream and as soon as I opened my eyes, I would wake up. And two, that song affected me a bit more than I thought it would and I had a few tears in my eyes that I didn't want them to see.

The applause slowly dwindled and I forced myself to open my eyes and look at them. Rachel looked concerned. Quinn looked thrilled. Kurt looked . . . Surprised. He always seemed surprised for some reason. The rest of the club had various looks of joy and ...pride perhaps. Yeah, I think it was pride.

"Absolutely incredible Blaine. We would be thrilled to have you in glee! If you could take a seat, we'll begin today's practice." Mr. Shue said after patting me on the shoulder. I flinched a bit but I don't think anyone noticed.

I took my seat and tried to avoid everyone's gazes. I felt my cheeks blush as I continued to stare at my hands in my lap. "You did really good, Blaine. I can see our numerous duets now." Rachel commented before turning her attention back to Finn. I looked back up when I felt that the stares had subsided. Almost everyone had looked away except one. Kurt was turned around in his seat and looking directly at me.

Our eyes connected and I couldn't seem to look away. Kurt couldn't either apparently because he refused to look away. "Kurt, can we focus on the lesson now." The teacher reminded him. Blushing, Kurt turned around to look back at Mr. Shue. "Sorry" he mumbled.

Looking over at Mercedes, I saw her smirk at me and give me a, not so hidden, thumbs up. "Go for it!" She mouthed. The same saying she always seemed to give me. Well I wasn't going for anything, that's for sure.

I glanced back to Mr. Shue to see him writing something on the whiteboard. "This week's assignment is introducing yourselves." He turned make around to face us, "Since we have a new member and we all could have changed over the summer, we are each going to pick a song that represents how we feel or who we are. We'll preform them starting tomorrow so start picking your songs." He put the cap on the marker and went back to his desk to grade papers or something.

What could I preform that would represent me enough but not too much. I didn't want to cry in the middle of singing it. Maybe another upbeat Katy Perry song? No. I didn't want them to think I could only sing one type of song. So something slower then?

I continued to think over the endless songs I could choose from when I accidentally glanced up where Kurt was sitting. Our eyes met again, as he was, once again, facing me. He must've been looking at me for a while before I glanced up. I should probably say something, shouldn't I?

I didn't get the chance to speak first. "So you were really good." Kurt began. He looked a little embarrassed. "I don't say that to anyone so..." His voice faded out and he rubbed his neck. He glanced back up after a while. Right, it was my turn to speak.

"Thank you. I ... uh... like your tie." I was rubbing my neck now. Ugh why couldn't I ever speak normally to him? "It's umm alexander McQueen and he is one of my favorite designers." Kurt talked back. We were just too incredibly awkward.

After all, what do you even say to a god like him? "I'm really not a god." He said smirking now. Oh my god did I say that out loud! I must've. Either that or he can read minds. "I don't I umm oh my god why is this so awkward?" I exclaimed and groaned into my hands. When he laughed it was such a blessing. I swear he was an angel.

"This is awkward." Kurt responded after he finished laughing. "And it's probably my fault. I keep staring like a creep, sorry." He chuckled but I saw a little bit of sorrow in his eyes. "No. no, its fine. Let's just forget all of that. So umm" I racked my mind for something to ask "you have a song picked out for this week's assignment yet?" I decided to ask.

"No, not yet. I have a few ideas but nothings decided yet. I wish it was a duet. I'd love to sing with you." He finished, looking horrified at himself for saying what he did. "No I didn't mean it like ..." He started to freak out a bit "No its fine. I'd like to sing with you too. Id be fun" I interrupted him.

His eyes widened "Really? You'll sing with me?" I nodded. Of course I would sing with him. Does no one else sing with him or something? "It's just that no other guy wants to do a duet with me. They don't want to be seen as 'gay'" he made air quotes around the 'gay' part. Kurt then seemed to realize that he just outed himself to me and quickly looked down.

Yes! He was gay! Finally someone I could relate too. I'm not stupid enough to think he would date me just because we were both gay. He didn't even know I was gay yet. I should tell him.

"I would very much love to sing a duet with you." I started "Besides, if anyone thought i was gay, they'd be right so..." I thought it only fair to out myself as well. Kurt's head snapped up sharply but he didn't say anything. His eyes said it all. They said whoa.

Mr. Shue then thought it was a good time to interrupt us. "Our times up today so you're free to go. Tomorrow Artie, Brittany, Blaine, and Finn will perform." He finished with a wave to the students already leaving. Kurt and I hadn't moved yet.

"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" I questioned. "Yeah see you in French" He mumbled and left quickly after standing when I did.

I only had one thought all the way out of the school and going home.

Wow.


	6. Chapter 6

Why bother? 6

I woke up on the second day of school, feeling much better and breathing easier. I quickly washed and dried my hair, adding gel afterword. My outfit was one of my favorites. A Black button up, black jeans, black shoes, and a bright blue bow tie. I loved the way the bow tie contrasted with the rest of the outfit.

Checking my face in the mirror, I noticed the dark bags under my eyes. I never got enough sleep. Last night I was really lucky and got a full five hours. Besides, it didn't matter how much I slept, I would always be tired.

I pulled out the concealer, that I would deny that I owned, and dabbed some under each eye. Rubbing it in, I started to feel a bit sick. This shouldn't be my life! What did I do to deserve any of this hell? I was nothing but good to everyone! I tried not to be gay! It doesn't work!

I slammed my wrist against the counter and pain shot up my arm. Fucking great! Now I had a broken bone! Just what I needed! Ugh

I felt my wrist for and breaks but I couldn't find any. It wasn't broken then. I could still move it pretty well. It just hurt a lot. I've broken a bone before, it wasn't this easy. I probably bruised the bone then. I moved my wrist again, ouch, yeah just bruised.

Well at least I had a brace for that. I dug through the drawer beneath the sink and found what I was looking for. My dark navy brace that I really hated wearing. Sighing, I slipped my hand into it, hissing slightly. I tightened the straps and pulled my sleeve down to cover it for the most part.

When I was finally done with all my morning prep, I grabbed my messenger bag. I would have to remember to grab it with my left hand now since my right hand was injured.

I drove to school in complete silence. I didn't even turn on the radio. I wasn't up for any music today. I hope I can get over this feeling by glee. It was my turn to sing today after all. I had found the perfect song last night.

I smiled slightly when I pulled into the parking lot. I could see Kurt today!

With that thought, I got out of my car and trudged my way to first period.

My morning classes were extremely uneventful. I had ceramics alone. Programming with Rachel. Biology with Finn. Geometry alone. History alone. English alone. I was really hoping to find someone to sit with at lunch though. I didn't know if I could take sitting by myself without a repeat of yesterday.

I scanned the lunchroom, but again, I didn't recognize a soul. Fantastic. Well I'm not sitting alone. I turned on my heel and walked calmly to the bathroom and took the same stall as yesterday. No one else was in here right now which was good.

I locked the stall door, put down the toilet lid and sat down.

For a while, I just sat there, thinking about how lonely I felt. I considered getting out the blade I could feel burning into the skin of my stomach. I did want to.

I pulled up my shirt and slowly peeled the tape down to grab the blade. Right when I was in the process of pulling down my pants, I heard the bathroom door open.

I pulled up my feet so the person wouldn't know I was in here. I wasn't capable of pretending to be fine right now. Actually, I didn't want to be around and human beings right now. I only wanted my blade.

Risking a glance, I saw who walked in. It was Kurt. I couldn't get that good a look due to the small crack and the fact that he rushed into a stall a few away from me as soon as he came in.

I made my breathing as quiet as I could. Kurt was the last one I needed to see me like this. Keeping my legs up, I heard something weird coming from Kurt's stall. God! I probably sound like such a creeper.

Listening harder, I started to make out the sound. It sounded like he was throwing up, or at least choking really bad. I really wanted to rush over and help him but I wouldn't, couldn't, let him know why I was in here. Was Kurt sick? I guess so. Maybe he should go home.

Aw great, Kurt's going to go home and I won't get to talk to him in French and glee. Dang it.

Kurt opened his stall after flushing the toilet and I peeked through the crack to see if he was alright.

Kurt didn't look sick, not really. Actually he seemed to be smiling. I watched with confusion as Kurt pulled a small wipe out of his pocket and wiped his mouth and bit before throwing it away. He checked his hair, fluffing it up a bit and added a bit of concealer under his eyes. It was the same concealer that I had, only a lighter color.

He smiled into the mirror one more time before turning and walking out the door.

I just stayed where I was and tried to comprehend what I just saw. So Kurt ran into the bathroom, threw up, and then cleaned up and smiled? Also he seemed to be choking for a while before he threw up. And he had all the supplies with him to make himself look like he hadn't just thrown up.

I know the signs when I see them. Kurt was bulimic. It was the only solution for what I just saw. I couldn't believe it. Kurt?

What do I do about it? I can't really do anything about it. I just met him and there is no way that this eating disorder was new for him. He was too practiced.

So I couldn't just give him some inspiring talk and expect him to care what I said. I knew a lot about eating disorders. After all, I had one in the past. I couldn't confront him without him pulling away. I had to take this slowly.

Eating disorders almost always came from the fact that the person didn't think that they were thin enough. How do I cure that? Well I'll have to be his friend first, obviously. He won't listen to a word I say unless I'm his friend.

Also not a good idea to tell him that I was in here. He didn't need that. He would freak. I know I would freak out if someone found out I was cutting in here. Speaking of which, Kurt interrupted me.

I took the blade and pressed it to my thigh. I made three quick cuts. Only enough to sting and release a small amount of blood. I wiped off the blade and slipped it back into the place beneath my shirt, careful to wrap it up properly so it wouldn't cut me.

Pulling out my hand sanitizer, I cleaned the wound, hissing slightly. I wrapped it properly and pulled back up my pants and adjusted my shirt.

Feeling a little better I stepped out of the stall and went over to the mirrors. I applied a small amount of concealer and adjusted my wrist brace to make sure it was secure. Finding everything in order I started to form a plan to help Kurt.

To start, I'll have to be a tad more confident. To be friends with someone, you have to actually talk to them without stuttering.

Then I can be trustworthy. I can make promises and keep them. Show him that I won't hurt him or lie. Even though I am kind of lying right now but whatever.

Ill also have to throw out these ridiculous feelings. Kurt doesn't need my stupid crush in his life right now. Just friends, nothing more. I can do that.

Walking out of the bathroom, I headed toward my French class. Implement plan: Help the God.


End file.
